ugly

We had a meeting today at work. Everyone in our office (about 100 people) assembled in the "creative room" where I meet with architects for design sessions. Our president gave us the message we had all been anticipating: some of us were going to lose our jobs. I had known this announcement was coming, and had been given assurances that I was not one of those who was going to be cut. However, you never know until you know. We were told that we had to cut roughly ten percent of the jobs at the regional office, and that there was an immediate wage and hiring freeze. I had been promised a raise for six months and had a new boss, with whom I was developing trust and him confidence in my abilities, but still these were still uncharted waters. I wasn't exactly sure where I stood.

OK. I know that I am among the top ten if not five percent of the "brain trust". I have a good relationship with everyone, am well respected and good at what I do. I have done a lot of different jobs over the years, and have no reason to believe that I will not "make the cut". But when you have this much on the line, it is scary to think about what would happen if you were to lose your job.

We are all told to go on doing our jobs while the President and VP's decide who goes and who stays. They will make an announcement next week. Meanwhile, my boss, who hasn't been around more than a few months, tells me we have to cut 2 people from our team of ten. And asks me who they should be.

We all wait for the day of the announcement. What comes is a message saying it is a hard decision and it won't be made for another week. I know I will not lose my job, but in the back of my mind I am updating my resume, wondering how long we can live on savings if we cut back- (what savings?) Looking for jobs on the internet, wondering if we had to sell our house now, how much we could get. Or if we could sell... I can't live like this. Even though I know I am not losing my job, and I know who is, it is too much to think about in the context of my current life. If it were just me- I know I could survive. I have skills. I am smart. I could support myself. But I have a family now. Not just a girlfriend, but a real family who depends on me. I do not want to minimize the importance of what Liz brings to the table financially or otherwise, however, I feel at this moment particularly, I am the gatekeeper.

Of course, I do not lose my job. The fact that I will not have a wage increase in the forseeable future is another matter altogether.